i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
