I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
