im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
