Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
