I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
