You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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