You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize