You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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