I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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