my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
