omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
