i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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