No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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