I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
