At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
