her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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