I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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