I am midnight drunk by noon
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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