So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
sex in a hospital.. check
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
