Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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