I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
