he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
