I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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