my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
