I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
