Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
