Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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