I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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