this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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