Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize