also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
