don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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