Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
