I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
