im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The police scanner is talking about you again....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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