Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
