There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
