I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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