grandma shit on top of the toilet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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