i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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