She went from zero to smokin in five shots
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
