i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
