Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
