i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
