Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
