i jhust puked up my retainher.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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