Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
