my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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