I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
