I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
