she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize