Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
