Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
