Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
why do cheetos always look like penises
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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