I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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