you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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