I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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