just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
