I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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