Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize