apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i believe in u and ur pee
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
